


"Good Grace"

by Peaches_007



Category: Good Girls (TV), Graceland (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Graceland/ Good Girls Crossover, Grieving, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader with fake name, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:01:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peaches_007/pseuds/Peaches_007
Summary: Everything was great at Graceland... until it wasn't.The only family you knew was falling apart before your eyes. Feeling like you were drowning trying to keep everyone else afloat.Not realizing you were wearing yourself thin. Not until your best friend, sunshine embodied into a human, the man you loved, was gone that you knew you had to let go.You weren't sure what happened to Johnny, why he went "rogue". He had gotten involved with a cartel, he had begun to have feelings for the daughter. The closer he got to her the further he got from you. Finally, they told you he was killed.You knew there was only one thing to do.After taking care of the man that took your sunshine, you took a road less traveled. Figuring out who you were or who you were going to be.10 years later and you make your way to Detroit when an unexpected stranger erupts all the emotions you suppressed.You never believed in ghosts, until now.
Relationships: Johnny Tuturro/ Reader, Rio (Good Girls)/You
Comments: 23
Kudos: 29





	1. "You remind me of someone"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover between Johnny Tuturro from Graceland and Rio from Good Girls. I've seen this idea on Tumblr so I thought I'd put my version/ twist of how I thought this absolutely genius idea could go.
> 
> I did not come up with this theory, however felt incredibly inspired once I saw it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

It had been years since getting out of the FBI. Since getting away from Graceland. 

When your best friend went 'rogue' you were holding on to hope, hope that you would get him back. 

When he was pronounced dead weeks later, you held on to nothing. You held on like your life depended on it. 

It was a blur at first. Only seeing red until it turned into an amber as you watched the liquid drain from the bottle down your throat. 

Night after night you would go to his room and cry in his bed. 

Just like it was for him, it all got to be too much for you too. The loss of him damn near killed you.

Finding the man responsible for his death was easy. Taking him out almost seemed easier. Not hesitating at your chance.

For the first time in your career, you had felt nothing as you were reprimanded for the acts. Reprimanded for going rogue like ‘your fellow agent Johnny’ who you ‘didn’t want to end up like’. You laughed then out of amusement. Glaring the balded man that hadn't seen action in the field in years.

Johnny had gotten involved with the cartel. You voiced your concern when he started distancing himself. 

He laid with you that night. Having crawled in your bed holding you. Asking if you knew how much he cared about you. Smiling when you nodded. You knew you were his best friend. He was sorry for being distant... He was just so close. He admitted he had gotten tunnel vision. But he promised he'd come back. He had to keep his promise. 'The pact promise' he called it.

When he was gone you numbed yourself. Feeling nothing as your roommates/closest friends who were barely keeping it together themselves, tried to snap you out of it. 

"You can't lock yourself away babygirl. He wouldn't want that" Briggs would say. "Why don't you move some of his things into your room?" Charlie would suggest. "You really loved him huh?" Paige asked only receiving a muffled sob in return.

They all mourned with you, but somehow you felt like they could never understand. They knew it too. Being in love wasn't the same as their love. 

Mutual feelings you never got to express to their fullest.

Feeling betrayed when they moved someone new into his room. Like they had when Mike moved in. Only this time you were alone in the anger. Everyone was broken before Johnny left. You were done holding everything together.

He was all you had. He was as close to family as you got. When he was gone, he took a part of you with him. 

The part that made you, you. 

No matter how much time passed, Johnny Tuturro would always have your heart.

You had made your way working odd jobs here and there when you left the FBI and Graceland as a whole. 

Having experience in organizing witness protection made it easy to be someone you weren’t. That and knowing the right people and having them owe you favors. In the blink of an eye (Y/N) (Y/L/N) was gone. You didn’t care how at first. You just wanted to be gone and then you were. It felt like a relief. You wouldn't mourn if you didn't exist.

You didn’t want anyone to find you, not that you really had anyone left in your life that would go looking.

The only friends you had, all had their own fucked up lives to deal with. You weren’t even sure they knew that you left.

Knowing better than to migrate through suburbs you traveled through ‘dangerous’ cities. No one would willingly look for you in places that were riddled with actual crime. 

Slowly making your way through the shadows, you creeped, gaining notoriety in your craft. Oh, if Briggs could see you now, you laughed briefly at the thought. Oh Briggs…

The FBI gave you a lot of knowledge, experience, and information. Using it to your advantage made it easy to slip through the seams. Those seams leading you to Detroit. 10 years had gone by and you were doing pretty good. Keeping to yourself was easy.

The apartment you found was enough for you. A spacious one bedroom apartment was all you needed. Although if ever needing to move again, you might opt for a second bedroom. The second bedroom being used for storage or maybe a hobby if the time came. 

The cold weather of Detroit was a drastic difference from the sun and beaches of southern California.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, a faint smile creeped on your lips. Wearing ripped at the knee jeans paired with a white tank-top underneath a black zip hoodie and black leather vans, you could hear Johnny’s voice in your ear ‘damn ma, grunge has never looked so sexy’ your style was always different than his. His sunshine always beaming brightly while you had dark or neutral tones.

Shaking the thought and his voice out of your head, you make your way to your front door. Pistol in your waistband, you set your headphones in your ears. The transparency option key in the new location. 

Keeping your head down you make your way down the flight of stairs. Passing the neighbor that you never met, as he walked up. 

You weren’t even sure what he looked like. Knowing only that, like you, he kept to himself. 

Amongst the shadows. Wondering briefly what he was hiding from. Or if that’s just who he was. 

He did always smell good though. Which you appreciated.

It was evening when you found yourself parked at a small-town grocery store. Getting out of your car you looked at the shoppers as they move inside. 

The sister, of the local car dealership owner, worked there. 

The local dealership that was using their inventory to smuggle. What? You weren’t exactly sure, but it doesn’t take an agent to figure out it was most likely drugs. 

You just needed to know if ‘Beth Boland’ was the head of the operation but considering her background, she was more than likely working for someone for the thrill and you needed to know who that someone was.

Pushing your cart, you made your way in between aisles. Figuring while here, you could stock up on some supplies. The only thing you ever took the time in enjoying now, was cooking. 

Johnny would always offer to make you breakfast, if you’d make him lunch or dinner. 

‘You make the best sandwiches, (Y/N)! I swear’ he looked at Jakes and continued ‘like when she added avocado and’ pecan smoked bacon’ to the classic BLT son? Damn. That may have been when I fell in love’

He always joked about being in love with you. Even going so far as making a pact to get married if you were both still single by 35. Because ‘we’d have the most beautiful babies… and at 35 that clock is still tickin’ mama’. He said with a wiggle of eyebrows as his hands found their way to your waist. Long, strong fingers adding just enough pressure to make you gasp as he pulled your back to his chest. His smirk as he whispered “you good ma?” in your ear. His tune changed when you slightly ground your ass against his crotch. “so good baby” you whispered back. But as usual, a roommates presence got you out of the moment soon sharing a laugh at something he said or did.

Finishing up your shopping, you made your way to the register. The register that ‘Annie Marks’ was currently behind, at least she was the only one wearing a ‘Annie’ nametag. 

“Hey” she says, and you smile as you set your groceries on the conveyor belt. “How’s it going?” you ask and she sighs.

“Well… I’m here… on a Thursday night.” You laugh and nod to show you understand.

Making your way closer to the card reader “I like your style” she says with a nod towards you and you smile “thanks, dark colors make it easier to go unnoticed while still looking put together” you say and she nods back, not paying attention. 

“You good?” 

She looks at you confused for a moment as if you had spoken another language. 

You looked at her confused before looking to your left and then right. Wiping at your mouth to add to your illusion causes her to snap out of it. 

“Sorry. Just the way you said that reminded me of someone” she squints her eyes at you curiously as if trying to read you. Which makes you half laugh, this was too easy.

“oh… okay... well I just moved here, so… I really need to get these home” you say confused gesturing towards the now bagged groceries. 

“Right. Right. Uh sorry. That’ll be eighty-two, forty”

“shit.” You mutter to yourself as you look through your wallet. “You take cash?” you ask, and she gives you the same look as before, like trying to read you, to figure you out.

Holding up 5 twenty dollar bills you look at her as if to show you were weirded out. 

“Yeah, no problem” she says as she extends her hand, taking the money from you.

She hands you a ten-, five- and two-dollar bills with sixty cents.

You smile taking the five-dollar bill along with the two dollar bills and the change and put it into the charity bucket sitting next to the card machine. 

“Thanks” you say with a smile as you grab the bags, picking them up and heading to your car.

Getting your groceries sorted in the trunk, you took your time getting your playlist right.

As you turn to leave the parking lot you see two masked women holding guns and pointing it around. You look at your phone and then back up. 

‘That’s not my job anymore.’

Driving back through the town and back to your apartment you think to yourself about the strange encounter. Wondering who you could possibly remind her of.


	2. "Auntie B'

“Damn that smells good” Mick says as he meets Rio downstairs. “Yeah, it’s my neighbor above me. She’s a chef or somethin’” Rio says. 

“She hot?” 

A short amused laugh escapes him, and he shrugs “don’t know” he says curtly as they make their way to see the housewives and collect their payment.

Several weeks had gone by and you landed a job as a bartender at a high-end restaurant. It was one of the easiest places to get details on what was going on around the area. Alcohol had a funny way of bringing that out in people.

It was a Friday night, and you were covering for a friend you had made while working there. Their daughter was sick, and they had an early shift at their other job on Sunday, so you volunteered to cover. If anything, Friday was the best night to be around. It was the end of the week. People were exhausted. They wanted a drink to relax and when people relaxed so did their lips. 

‘Rio.’

That was the name you were given of the local ‘king pin drug dealer’ in town. 

It stung like a knife to the heart. 

Rio de Janeiro was a place you and Johnny had constantly talked about visiting. The sights, sounds, the food. All of it seemed so enticing to you. Johnny said that was where you would eventually take your honeymoon because he was ‘banking on marrying’ you at 35, if he didn’t get you to fall in love with him before then.

It was Sunday and you were promised a free breakfast at the diner from your friend ‘Tuff’. Shaking the grief in your heart you made your way inside, the bells cascading down from the horizontal handle on the inside chimed, a few patrons looked towards you as did the staff you realized when greeted by the chef in the back.

“Bon Bon! You made it!” the deep boisterous voice of the large man reminding you of a darker skinned chef ‘Nick’ from the movie ’50 First Dates’, came to you through the small window. “I won’t turn down a free breakfast!” you reply with a smile. 

Sitting at the bar, you’re offered a coffee by the waitress. She reminded you of a southern belle you had met while you were in Georgia, years ago. The same chocolate velvet skin with a voice to match. The kind of woman that knew good food and knew when you needed it. Warmth and nurture personified into a person.

Smiling, you thank her as you see your friends head through the small window. “Alright, help me get creative” he says rubbing his hands back and forth before tending to the various appliances around him with ease.

The words would’ve knocked you on your ass if it hadn’t been years in the past. Johnny asking you for help when making pancakes. The memory causing you to get inspired.

You smile as you sit a little straighter on the barstool. “Hear me out…a hash-brown…” using your hands to emphasize “inside… of a pancake” you say proudly as Tuff listens intently while cooking other customer’s food. 

Laughing as he says “Yes!!” pointing his spatula in your direction. “Yes! A hashcake!?” he looks at you with a unsure face. “We’ll figure something out” you say with a smile as you sip your coffee. 

Tuff’s daughter, Rebecca, was doing better, thankfully. He was grateful that you covered his shift, and you waved a hand, it wasn’t a problem at all. “You’re a single dad taking care of your kid. I admire single parents and their sacrifices.” 

He told Loretta, your waitress, that he covered your bill and when he wasn’t looking, you slid two twenty-dollar bills over the counter. “You might have to hide it in his apron” you whisper, and she smiles “ooh an excuse to get closer to him?” she nods towards the kitchen before continuing “Thank you for THAT tip” she adds with a wink before making her way to where a new customer just sat.

Getting off the stool, you wave to Tuff before heading to the door.

As you walk out you hear Loretta offer the special “hash-brown pancakes” to a customer and you smile.

What you don’t see is the customers impressed facial expression and her pointing to you, ‘the mastermind’, as you walk by the glass door. 

He only saw your profile, but it was enough to have him second guessing. Memories coming back instantly, never having strayed too far in the back of his mind. He turns back to Loretta with a bright smile “Sounds perfect. Thank you.” 

Several more weeks had gone by and Tuff asked if you would take Rebecca to her soccer game. He was having to cover a shift but promised he’d make it as soon as he could.

Waiting in the park you smiled when Rebecca’s beaming smile and voice caught your attention. Tuff waving and smiling as he saw his daughter running towards you, before driving off.

“Auntie B!! You’re here!” she exclaims as she jogs wobbly with her soccer bag. 

Getting to her level your arms are opened wide as she collides into your embrace and you lift her up and twirl her. An eruption of giggles leaving her as you laugh. 

Setting her down you continue to giggle as you pretend to be off balance as she leads you to her designated spot. 

“Marcus!” she cheers “Rebecca!” the small boy says back as they embrace each other. “This is my Auntie B” Rebecca says as she gestures to you. Bending at the knee to get on his level you smile holding your hand out.

“Hi, I’m Marcus” he says taking your hand in his smaller one. “Well, it is great to meet you Marcus. You ready to kick butt today?” you ask, and his beaming smile reminds you of the sunshine you once had. 

A whistle blows and Rebecca and Marcus each grab one of your hands and pull you to where the adults sit, causing you to laugh as you run with them.

“Mom! This is Auntie B!” Marcus introduces and you laugh as they run to the field. 

“Beatrice… or Bonnie for short” you say not even wincing at the name anymore.

“Rhea” the woman says with a smile as you shake hands. 

Talking with Rhea was easy. In between cheering for the kids, you had learned about her and Marcus’ father ‘Christopher’. 

They were coparenting and you commended her for it. Assuming it couldn’t always be easy. She asked if you were involved and you smiled as your fingers played with the now empty snack wrapper. Looking to her you explain you weren’t involved, and you planned to keep it that way. 

Being broken once made you never want to feel that way again.

Once the game was over, you and Rhea exchanged numbers as you ended up having a lot in common. Tuff made it during halftime, but you stayed anyway. Cheering as the kids really gave their all leading to a victory.

Tuff nonchalantly explained he had a date a few nights from now and asked if you could pick up Rebecca from school. Smiling at him knowingly, you agreed, and he briefly let his nonchalant demeanor break to show an excited smile. 

After the game, you said your goodbyes and headed to your car. Laughing as you heard a deep voice ask “who was that?” and Marcus explain “that’s Auntie B! She’s awesome.”

With that you headed to run errands you hadn’t planned. Not ready to go home just yet.

Errands turned into driving around following leads you had gained yourself. 

Closer. 

You were getting closer to figuring out who this “Rio” guy was.

Parking in your designated spot you walk down the sidewalk. Hearing footsteps behind you put you on edge until you heard the faint laughter of a small child. Smiling to yourself you make it to your apartment door and open it. 

Seeing the person and child in your peripheral you hold the door open for them. “Thanks”, the low rasp is heard, and it causes goosebumps to go down your spine. “No problem” you say back and walk ahead.

Walking upstairs you hear the young boy ask, “Auntie B?!”

You turn and see a beaming Marcus. A smile instantly spreads across your face as he runs towards you “Marcus! I didn’t know you lived in this building!” you say, and he looks down the stairs at his dad “My dad lives here… I’m only here sometimes” he says briefly.

When your eyes scan to wear Marcus looked, you’re confused seeing no one there.

“He’s grouchy when he’s hungry. That’s where I get it from” Marcus explains, and you laugh. “I better go make sure he’s not cooking veggies for dinner. Bye Auntie B!!” Marcus says before hugging you and walking down the steps stopping at the last one, turning to wave before he jumps down.

His thought ~ There was no way. How did you find him? You changed your hair color... back to your natural one. 

He knew you had tried a different color when you joined the FBI to be a ‘new you’. 

Your natural color fit you beautifully. 

Fuck. Did you know he was there? 

Nah, you would’ve said something to him by now, right? Made yourself known. Fuck. What if it wasn’t you. What if it you had a doppelgänger? 

Auntie B…. B… No it couldn’t be…

~~~ The cupcakes you had made were finally cooled down enough to frost. 

Taking your time with them you smiled as you remembered they were always Johnny’s favorite. 

‘Is it my birthday?’ he’d chimed walking in the house making you smile. He came with a hop into the kitchen, arms moving like a jog as he walked over to you, kissing your cheek before reaching around you to grab one of the cupcakes. Instantly devouring it.

You knew being reminded of him constantly could be unhealthy, but he was your best friend. The memories were all you had left.


	3. "No Way"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rio and Reader meet.

Days had gone by and you were feeling at peace in the space. There was a comfort that seemed to flow around you. Tuff had told you how much Rebecca loved you and how appreciative he was for you always taking care of her. Teasing that you’d make a great mom some day and you smiled telling him that wasn’t in the plan for you anymore.

“Come on Bon Bon… you’re gorgeous, single… and young!” Loreta had said with a shimmy when you were visiting the two at the diner. “Lo Lo… I lost the last person I loved in that way, and we were never even together! I’m good. I’m okay with just taking care of myself and my nieces and nephews” you say with a wink “for the rest of my life. I promise.” You explained with a smile and a squeeze of her hand.

Tuff peers through the window to look at the two of you. “We do have that one customer” he says with a smirk and Loretta looks at you with her ‘romantic eyes’. “Oooh babyyyy” the word getting higher pitched at the end, “you would be so cute together. He has met with this suburban white lady though. So… They may be ‘involved’ but if you want…” you laugh “I’m good you guys. Trust me.”

A couple of days later and you’re watching as Rebecca plays at the park. Swinging on the monkey bars as she shouts for you to watch. You smile as you lean against the bench cheering her on.

Looking through a pair of sunglasses you see Annie, Beth, and their friend Ruth sitting on a bench. Wondering what they’re doing there you see them looking uncomfortable as they peer to their right. A large tree is blocking your view, but you see a pair of slim, long legs outstretched. Black jeans accompanied by black shoes is all you see but you wonder if that’s the myth himself. If that’s the infamous…

“Auntie B!! Will you play with me and Marcus?!” Rebecca asks, as the two ran towards you. 

Looking at your watch you feign a ‘I don’t know’ facial expression. The lower half of your mouth extending outward showing your lower teeth as you shrug as if unsure swaying from side to side.

“We have about 5 more minutes until I have to take you home.” The children look at each other excitedly as Marcus runs to… the man with outstretched legs… ‘Christopher?’ you think to yourself… but then why would the women…

Rebecca hugs you, causing you to redirect your attention from Marcus and the mystery man to her.

“What should we go on next?” You ask looking down at her as you rub her back, hearing Marcus’ giggles getting louder.

Looking up you see him over his father’s shoulder, laughing and giggling. 

When the man set Marcus down, he stands and looks at you. 

The both of you freeze momentarily. “J...” your whisper is cut off by his smile “Hi, I’m Christopher… or Rio” he says extending his hand. You’re completely awestruck… There’s just no way.

Taking his hand, you shake it “Beatrice… or Bonnie” you say and the look that passes his face briefly looks like grief before he smiles again masking it all. Wait a minute…

“I was told we have 5 more minutes?” he asks, and you smile “That’s right, have to get this little lady home” as you look at the children who are looking at you both excitedly.

Marcus taps Rebecca on the shoulder yelling ‘tag’ before running off. “Oh no you don’t” Rebecca says as she runs after him.

In this moment, as you stand next to ‘Rio’ you don’t allow yourself to show how you feel. To be fair you didn’t even know how to feel. This was impossible. It was a dream. You went to his funeral. 

You couldn’t just ask a stranger “hey do you happen to be my long time best friend that died?”

Watching the kids chasing each other around the park, you zone out.

“Did you know I was here?” he asks barely above a whisper, facing forward with his hands in his pockets.

The anger that radiates through your body is damn near deafening. 

“No” you respond willing the tears to remain at bay as your hands move to your back pockets not daring to say anything more. 

Several minutes of silence go by and your phone vibrates in your pocket. 

Clearing your throat, you answer “Hello?... Yeah, just figured she could play for 5 more minutes with Marcus. Yeah, he’s awesome. Okay, be there soon. Bye”

“Well, we better get going” you say walking forward. 

Turning slightly, you say “it was nice meeting you” spoken with a sense of honey on your smiling lips as your eyes filled with venom and anger, before turning back around and being the “no fun…” adult.

At your apartment, you were currently cooking and baking. You’d broken down in the shower and now you needed this distraction. Before your next phase of grief- breaking things- came storming through.

Needing a clear head for work, you tried to filter through your emotions. Physical pain you pushed through easily. Emotional pain was a different level of torture.

10 years you mourned. For a lie?

Feeling disrespected, hurt, anger, those are miniscule to the way you feel. This was your best friend. The friend you told everything to. But maybe that was your mistake. You let him in.

At the restaurant you were enjoying Tuff’s company as you were distracting yourself by playing a flirt with the customers at the bar. Pretending that their advances made you blush. It wasn’t until you felt a set of eyes on you that you knew he was there. Those dark brown orbs were magnetic.

‘Rio’ waited to walk up to the bar and take a seat. 

He was seeing which customers you served and made sure to take a seat on your side. Looking into his dark brown eyes angered you. Wiping the bar, you make your way to him.

“What can I get you?” you ask with a smile that quickly falls. He waits until you meet his eyes before he responds.

“Bourbon on the rocks… please” he says with his low raspy voice head downturned slightly as his eyes look up at you as if to show he means no harm. You roll your eyes and receive his signature smirk. 

Nodding, you grab a glass, setting a couple of ice cubes in and pour the bourbon before sliding it over to him.

He takes a sip as he watches you walk away, tending to the other customers. 

To anyone else your fake smiles and laughs were believable, but he knew better than that. He knew how angry you were. He knew their advances only made you cringe and he knew how angry you were at him.

Angry. 

Hurt. 

He knew he had to explain himself, he only hoped you’d listen.

You weren’t sure how much time went by, but he sat there patiently. 

“That’s the man from the diner” Tuff said in an excited whisper, bumping your arm with his much larger one.

“Oh” is all you say as you get drink orders ready for the waitresses.

“Oh?... B… He’s been staring at you all night. You’re a better fit than that other broad” he says, and you laugh.

“Nah. I’m good” you say shortly.

Walking back over to ‘Rio’ you ask “can I get you another drink?”

“How come you didn’t ask if there’s anything else you can get me?” he asks with a smirk, hoping you understand he has to keep up his persona.

“I’m not worried about getting you anything else besides a drink” you say sternly. Staring into his eyes with the same confidence he exudes. 

Effortless. He should be proud, he taught you how to do it.

He laughs cockily. “yeah…I deserve that” his eyes go to his glass before peering up at you.

Your face remains unchanged and he says “I’m still good for now.”

Nodding you turn and roll your eyes before walking away. 

More time passed and he waves you over.

Looking at him expectantly, he half nods as he leans closer, following suit you lean closer as well. Making you wonder if your perfume gets him as dizzy as his cologne does to you.

“What are you doing here?” he whispers.

A half laugh leaves your lips as if to go along with it, your ‘bedroom eyes’ stare into his as you smirk “not looking for you” you answer simply.

“Then why are you here?” 

“You shouldn’t be the one asking questions.”

“Okay, then ask me, ma” he says pulling away briefly looking from your lips to your eyes.

“You’d probably lie. You’re real good at that, turns out... Rio” you say looking into his eyes before turning around and tending to one of the new customers.

Johnny always told you that being a good liar was important, especially when going undercover or to protect himself and his family. He could never lie to you though and he was okay with that. He didn’t see ever having a reason to lie to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and commenting!! It means the world to me!


	4. "You're Familiar"

It had been almost a month since that interaction. Despite seeing him, neither one of you spoke to each other. 

Nothing left to say. 

He wasn’t Johnny and you weren’t (Y/N).

You were two different people with no connection. No ties. Strangers.

Within the month you were able to find out that ‘Rio’ and Beth did have a connection. Beth’s husband had been cheating on her and she got snapped out of her mundane life and somehow, fate interjected and brought the two together. What do they say? Opposites attract. 

She enjoyed the rush, the excitement of breaking the law with the hot kingpin all the while having a picket fence to fall back on. It was a façade… Fake was something you had gotten used to but this? This was on another level entirely.

It made you laugh. You never would’ve imagined Johnny with a woman like her… She was clearly using him, and he always saw through that behavior. 

But then again, Johnny was dead.

You had decided to move out within that month. Somewhere that you didn’t have to worry about seeing him or hearing his voice or wondering if he was going to knock on your door and explain the last 10 years.

It was driving you crazy. There were countless times that you had wanted to go to his apartment and demand answers. Demand to hear his lame excuses. Countless scenarios played through your head. Most likely doing more harm than good but then again, the past 10 years was a lie. 

A decade of your life spent believing one thing....

You had debated leaving Detroit. Move anywhere else. Anywhere that wasn’t around this person.

But you knew you owed it to your heart to find out the truth… eventually.

Three days and you were moved into your new place. 

Tuff, Loretta, and Rebecca all helping you move made it easier. 

Tuff was excited that you were moving into a bigger place, that meant you’d be sticking around. Collecting more things to tie you down. You had become his best friend quickly. He could trust you with his daughter, you were like the sister he always wanted, and you essentially helped him and Loretta FINALLY get together. (He had been too nervous to make a move the two years he knew her. He was scared. The last woman he loved, Rebecca's mom, ran off and it nearly broke him, if it wasn't for Rebecca. Loretta was just trying to be a good friend and patiently wait for him to make a move when he was ready, worried it would never come, until you.)

Rebecca thought you were getting an extra room for her and she was ecstatic, her father having to tell her to hush when she started planning out her room. 

Loretta knew it was something deeper, she’d seen the look on your face before, but she wasn’t going to press just support you however she could.

Sure, you could have explained to the handful of friends you made that you had gotten a job in another state... Or a family member reached out and you would promise to stay in touch. But you were stubborn, and to be honest. The friends you had made here felt like family. You didn't mean to get close but shit happens right?

Now that you knew Johnny…Rio… Existed, you weren’t going to be scared out of his territory. This was deeper now. Deeper than sadness. 

You were angry.

Throughout the years of grief, you allowed yourself to regain the feeling of happiness you had and that meant a serious focus on bettering your mental health. 

Knowing Johnny would want that for you. He’d want you to celebrate him and as time went on, your grieving turned to celebrating. Whether it was celebrating him or celebrating you, the ‘you’ that Johnny helped you discover. 

He celebrated you and it made you wonder why you wanted to be anyone else.

Beatrice ‘Bonnie’ Smith was who you were now, and as you were dancing in an oversized shirt and your underwear with a pair of fuzzy socks on your feet, happily in your kitchen to music that was probably too loud, you allowed yourself to smile as you sang along and worked on your dinner and dessert simultaneously. 

Thinking of the times Johnny would dance with you, in the kitchen…on the beach… at the bar. He saw the twinkle in your eye when you heard music and he’d get you to dance with him, every chance he got.

A knock at the door caught you by surprise. Quickly sliding to the speaker in your fluffy socks, you lower it as you make your way to the front door. 

Replacing the chocolate dipped spatula with your pistol, from one of your hiding spots you peer through the peephole.

Seeing a figure you weren’t expecting, rolling your eyes, you open the door as much as the chain would allow.

“Hi, can I help you?” you say innocently with your body shielded behind the heavy metal door. Gun at the ready. 

The buff tattooed man looked at you confused for a moment before regaining his seriousness “I have a message for you.”

You roll your eyes now, the innocent façade gone. “I know who you are. Tell your boss if he has a message for me, he should deliver it himself.”

The man’s eyes almost shift left but he catches himself. You sigh closing your door, with your pistol in your left hand you unlock the chain with your right and open the door again not bothering to shield your body or pistol. 

Leaning forward you turn your head to the right. 

“There he is…” leaving your lips with a sarcastic smile. Seeing the tall Hispanic man with a buzzed head leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

The tattooed man in front of you looks towards his boss and then back at you. 

“We were just wondering if you could keep the noise down” ‘Rio’ says with a smirk looking you up and down. Recognizing the t-shirt that you were wearing instantly; he licks his lips before adding “neighbor.”

“You have got to be kidding me” you say annoyed and he shakes his head with a shrug.

“Well 'neighbor' the noise curfew is 11 pm” looking at your watch you continue “I still have 5 hours and 3 minutes” you say feigning shock.

“If that’s all. I better get back” you say as you close the door being sure to lock all of the locks right away.

Sauntering back to the kitchen, you turn your music up, one level down than before as the tears swell.

Mick laughs in surprise and Rio looks at him. 

“Seems like the housewife breaking into your last place worked in your favor" Mick says as they walk down the hall before asking "That the one that got away, boss?”

“Somethin like that.” Rio says as his jaw clenches. Staying away was gonna be harder than he thought.

Time passed, and you found yourself in a state of confusion. Mixed emotions overwhelmed you. It was like the stages of grief but intensified.

Denial- There was no way Johnny just up and left. He wouldn’t leave without a word… not to you... You were each other’s best friend.

Anger- How could he do this to you? Did he have any idea how broken you’ve been? 10 fucking years and he has a whole new life for himself while you were welcoming danger just to take the pain away? Just to stop the aching in your heart.

Bargaining - maybe… maybe he did try to tell you, but you didn’t read in between the lines... Or maybe he had tried to reach you, but you had already left. How about he got injured and was in a coma and when he woke up he was ‘RIO’… or it was too dangerous to bring you with him.

Depression – he sure did move on easily, he probably didn’t even miss you. A whole new life just like that. A whole new persona. A neck tattoo. What was it even of? An owl? a Eagle? He was only concerned when you showed up because of his own reputation. He probably felt like he couldn’t trust you, that’s why you were in the dark and he moved on without looking back.

Acceptance- Johnny as you knew him was dead. That much you allowed yourself to understand. Your grieving was real… It was justified. You mourned him for 10 years because he died. Johnny Tuturro was gone forever. Christopher/ Rio was a new person, a new person with a neck tattoo. Christopher/ Rio was a stranger.

Having decided to move on with your life, you had tried to ignore him. 

He was everywhere you went. Literally.

Even though you didn’t really have mutual friends, you found each other anyway, somehow that didn’t mean seeing him any less.

When you went to Rebecca’s… well… anything… he was there. A supportive father playing an active role in his child’s life as you were taking your aunt/ godmother duties seriously. 

Amongst all of the bullshit, Tuff asked you to be Rebecca’s godmother, because there was no one he trusted more to care for her if something happened to him and Loretta, who were now engaged. He did it during a family dinner. Loretta said yes shaking her head yes as she cried. In that moment you and Rebecca looked at each other and high fived. Rebecca already looked to Loretta like her mom. She was ecstatic. She was the one that told you about her father's plans because Rebecca's blessing was what he needed.

Meanwhile, the diner wasn’t even safe from Rio's presence. Apparently ‘hashcakes’ were genius, and you had reluctantly, lost your appetite for them.

The dealership you got your car from, belonged to his girlfriend. Well… that was kind of on purpose, really for your own research.

Beth was so preoccupied with her crazy life that she didn’t even know you existed. Not until her friend greeted you one day.

“Bonnie right?” Ruby says as she walks up to you in the park. Tuff and Loretta were working extra shifts to pay for their wedding and a bigger house. So you volunteered to take Rebecca to the park. Some quality Auntie B and Becca time. 

Looking past the woman you saw Beth and Annie standing off to the side, clearly keeping an eye on you "nonchalantly".

“Hey, yeah. Ruby?” you had replied with a smile when she nods. You step aside from the swing Rebecca was currently on so you could talk. Hands going into your jacket pockets, still not used to the cold air. 

“How’s Sarah?” you ask curiously when you see the way she briefly looks from your pockets to your face and then behind her.

She’s uncomfortable, you can tell. The way she moves on her feet. Fingers interlocking. The way she clears her throat before she asserts confidence.

“Oh, she’s good, thank you” she relaxes then before continuing, “Rebecca’s card really meant a lot. Is she yours? I always see you together.” she asks kindly, and you smile, well at least she's trying at a real conversation first.

“She’s my god daughter, and niece… kind of” you say with a soft laugh before continuing “Are your friends okay?” you nod towards the women ‘nonchalantly’ watching you still, you assume them standing facing your direction was suspicious.

“Huh?” she turns and laughs it off “they’re good. Just been going through a lot lately.” She says, and you nod, understandingly.

“This might be a weird question… uhm I’m going to cut to the chase here… Do you know a guy named Rio?” 

You half laugh “that is a weird question. Why do you ask?” you look at her with a playful seriousness.

“You just remind us of him… somehow” she says gesturing to you with wide eyes and her hands, nervously laughing.

Looking down and then back up you say “right” 'confused' before continuing, “well, I know he’s Marcus’ dad. Uh… Rhea’s ex…But I really don’t know what else to tell you" you shrug.

She stares at you. Her confidence feigned as her curiousity subsides.

“Right. Okay. Well, thank you for the card, it was nice meeting you.” She says turning and walking to her friends. You nod giving a half smile as your eyes widen briefly. A look of ‘what the fuck was that’ spreading on your face.

The rest of your time at the park you were being watched as you pushed Rebecca on the swing, Beth stayed behind with her kids. 

She was waiting for you to pull your phone out… to look nervous as you looked around. 

Something that gave her the upper hand. You’d guessed that her fake pregnancy wasn’t keeping her resolve as steady this ‘far along’.

It sure paid to know people in the right places, after all. You wondered if Rio knew.

Getting your ringing phone from your pocket, you look around. 

You noticed the look on her face as you looked around, as if already celebrating a victory.

Until it fell, as you raised your hand holding your phone in the air to wave to whoever had called you.

Tuff’s presence soon being known as Rebecca yelled for her ‘daddy!’

Ten more minutes went by as you talked with Tuff. 

He was really happy with how the wedding planning was going with Loretta and they were having a family dinner that night. He invited you but you had to discreetly tell him you had made plans.

The look on his face was intrigued as he wiggled his eyebrows. Gently pushing him with a laugh and a roll of your eyes, you say your goodbyes and head for your car.

Beth had left the park before you had. Switching the route that you normally took home you made sure no one was following you, just in case.

Walking up the stairs of your apartment building, new emotions were coming up. 

Stopping at a door, you take a deep breath, closing your eyes, before knocking three times. 

Seconds went by before you heard the locks opening. ‘Rio was standing in a pair of grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt and you wanted to die inside.

“We need to talk”.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little insight to how reader has gotten her information.

On your way back to your apartment complex you had gotten a call from your OBGYN/ friend(?) Melanie.

“Hey Mel” you had seen her a few times to restock. She paid well and had become a friend. Well, she finally had someone to share her stories with and you happily listened. She knew everything about damn near everyone.

“Hey Bonnie, I was wondering if you’d like to meet for brunch this weekend?” she asks using your code for her usual order.

“Yeah sounds good, same place?” you ask, your code to agree on the price.

“Perfect! See you then. I have tea to spill!” that wasn’t code. She had gossip, and you were all ears.

Getting to Detroit, you had planned to stay low, under the radar even, which wasn’t anything new for you.

Life was hard growing up having parents that cared more about alcohol than you, so you did what you did best and found your own way.

Figuring out how to grow a marijuana plant was easy with parents that didn’t care meant hiding things easily. Like your plant in your closet. So, you hadn’t exactly obtained your tools… legally… you did source them from places owned by people who deserved the inconvenience. 

Getting your product out there was easier than expected. Quickly earning you the title of a “plug”, which meant meeting others when your “clientele” wanted something more. At first you shied away but, realizing you needed the money, your mind was made. 

Soon enough you were becoming established. Creating a name for yourself. Unbeknownst to you until your crooked cop of a uncle warned you about a lowkey drug dealer making headway in the area. Your shit was good and spreading fast.

Eventually, though, all good things must come to an end. 

Although you didn’t get busted, the guy who did was eager to throw your name out along with others at the sight of a possible deal. (Always get those in writing… and a dependable lawyer if you can.)

With your name finally out there, the FBI connected you to a web of nameless thugs, not realizing they were your web, until simultaneously as they found you, the location that held your product went up in flames. Leading them to realize that they could really use your help, your intel and your skill.

But one thing you knew was that you needed a deal. In writing. Checked over by a dependable lawyer. How he got paid wasn’t important. What was important was your information on him. (Hard to believe a crooked defense lawyer… right?)

So, when the time came you sat back and watched as the agents were presented with your deal, being that either a free ride through some college courses that would lead to a position in the FBI to help them, getting the full benefits or you would agree to keep your mouth shut and go to prison doing too many years to think about.   
At 20 years old with your whole life ahead of you and the idea of sitting in a cell fighting some woman that was Queen Bitch didn’t seem all that enticing. 

They took the deal. Lucky for you and you didn’t look back. The rumors made you laugh. Everything from you dying to laying low, to falling in love and moving to Mexico with the “real boss”. 

The only person that knew of “The Phoneix” was Johnny. He had put it together one night before sneaking into the phone room. He stood behind you and said, “we need to talk”. 

He walked you to the beach, it was late so not a lot of people were around, before sitting you down as he sat next to you. Watching the waves before looking at you expectantly.

“What?” you asked utterly confused.

“So you’re just gonna walk around the house acting all normal. Like you’re some nobody that used her powers for good and joined the FBI out of the kindness of her heart?”

Laughing you ask “Johnny what the hell are you talking about?”

He looks to his left, then to his right as he leans closer. 

“Walking around like you aren’t ‘The Phoneix’?” he says with a smirk like he discovered you were superman.

Before you can say anything, he looks to the waves and says “you know in the academy, there was a rumor that you joined the FBI. Everyone was glad you were on our side.”

Turning your head, you watch him, you weren’t sure what you were looking for exactly, but you were worried. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, ma?”

Rolling your eyes, you look at the sand in between the two of you as you say “J, there’s nothing to tell. I had a shitty childhood, worked my ass off doing some illegal shit to just fucking get by because you needed work experience to literally do anything in that fucking town. I got caught, got a lucky break and that’s it. I didn’t even know they named me ‘The Phoneix’ until I was already in the interrogation room” you admit drawing lines in the sand. 

He watched you, a smile growing on his lips. “Well I think it’s badass” he says bumping your shoulder. “My best friend is ‘The Phoneix’! That’s dope.” 

You laugh as you roll your eyes again. “How’d you find out?” you ask quietly.

“The other night when we were walking home from the bar and we started talking about how we grew up, you mentioned the town and I knew I heard about it before. With that and the information you had told me before I started piecing shit together. Nothing was in your file about it, though. But I knew it was you.”

“You look at me any different?” you ask searching his face as he looked out at the waves. 

“Nah. You’re still my best friend.” He says with a bump to your shoulder. Not saying what was really on his mind.   
He thought you were perfect, and he always admired ‘The Phoneix’. Now, to know that you were the same person made him proud to be your best friend… Maybe someday, if things worked out his way, someday even though he would be the only one TO know, he would be proud that he got to be Mr. ‘Phoneix’ as he put it.

Even though you had given up both sides of the law, you couldn’t help your piqued curiosity when you started hearing murmurs about some local grocery store getting held up not once, not even twice but three times. Which seemed suspicious enough but then there were murmurs about the ‘crazy shit’ at Boland Motors. One thing connected the two. Sisters. 

It was easy getting the teenager to talk to you. He was standing outside of the grocery store with a blunt.  
Turning to him you laugh “dude you’re literally right outside and you could smell that shit from aisle 3.” He looked at you like a deer caught in the headlights. Walking over to him you take the vape pen out of your pocket and shake it in your hand. 

“Gotta be smarter than that” you say as you inhale the cbd juice. He was a kid, he wouldn’t tell the difference. 

“Who’s your plug?” he asks feigning confidence. “Who wants to know?” you ask not willing to give anything without getting anything in return. 

Him giving up the information about Annie trying to sell him some “pills” was easy. He was eager to share his information which you thanked by handing him an actual cartridge containing what he was after, which lead to a source, leading to clientele. 

Melanie you found and befriended easily. It’s interesting the details people share when they find someone that will listen or was going to school to make that their profession.

Making an appointment for birth control was easy, and necessary. Although you weren’t having sex, you did want to maintain a steady period and with recent events like your best friend/ man you were in love with suddenly not being dead made your stress levels skyrocket. 

Rhea had a friend that she recommended you to and her name helped ease into conversation. An easy conversation that led to Melanie sharing that it’s hard being a doctor while her mother battled cancer and refused to accept medication. 

She apologized for sharing and you reassured her that you had taken phycology courses, so you were assured when people spoke freely with you. 

People keeping things hidden always wanted to share with psychology majors. 

As you’re lying on the exam table, you mention other substances that she might be willing to try as you look at the ceiling. Melanie pauses before giving you a weary look. Looking down you notice her look and say “I’m not the police… and I’M the one in a vulnerable position right now” with raised hands that gesture towards you. The notion causing her to smile before faltering slightly. It was clear that she was weighing her next sentence out before she looked at you, taking a deep breath. 

“She did mention it once, but I wouldn’t know where to get that!” she says sheepishly and it’s your turn to laugh before grimacing as she finishes the exam.

“Sorry” she says and you sit up. “I can help” you offer, and she looks at you curiously. 

“I’ve got something that will go unnoticed and help too.” 

“Wow. Rhea said you were caring but this? Thank you. I owe you.” 

Bingo.

That night, you had helped Rebecca make cards for Ruby’s daughter Sara. She was sick and one of Rebecca’s close friends.

Relishing in the ‘family dinners’ you were invited to brought as a sense of normalcy while everything else in your life swirled like a math equation around you.

A week had passed, and you were back to discuss and decide your birth control choice. As you walk into the doctor’s office, making your way to the waiting room you see Beth Boland. 

Offering a kind smile you pass her to check in. 

Melanie sees you and greets you by name, which doesn’t go unnoticed by the woman sitting a few seats down.

Your name was called before Beth and you followed the nurse to get your vitals done. before you were assured the doctor would be with you shortly. 

When Melanie walked into the room, you looked up making eye contact with Beth as the door was closing.

“She looked terrified” you say with a half laugh causing Melanie to look at you before looking at the door. 

Reaching into your purse you pull out a small gift bag. 4 cartridges and a vape. “Let me know what she thinks, and I can get her more” you say with a kind smile. You watch as the woman’s face falls slightly. 

“Can I share something with you?” she asks as she scoots closer, lowering her voice.

“Of course” you say with a concerned whisper.

“I think Beth is in trouble…. Rhea asked me to” she looks at the bottom of the door for a moment before looking back at you whispering “she asked me to fake an ultrasound”. 

With slight shock, you go into worried friend mode and ask “Is this danger something that could fall back on you?” 

Melanie quickly shakes her head with a smile at your concern. Resting a hand on your knee, she assured, “no. no… I think it’s her boyfriend. Mysterious guy. Broody. Neck Tattoo” you ‘Oh’ as if you're intrigued and don't know what man that could be. 

“Well, if Rhea asked you, there must be a reason right?” 

Melanie shrugged and said “I’m not sure. But there’s only so long she can fake a pregnancy.”

Snapping out of the memory, you walk up the stairs bringing you to this point. 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this clears a few things up! Also thank you for the inspiration on writing this! I absolutely love reading all of your comments!


	6. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rio and Reader talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting. Technical difficulties and work. I hope you enjoy! As always please let me know what you think!

After being invited in you turn to him, not bothering to look around. He watches you as your chest rises and falls. A familiar smile creeping over his face as he absorbs the moment. Having you close and not having to pretend that he doesn’t know you. His eyes raked over you. Taking you all in. 

Avoiding the longing in your chest at the way his eyes raked over you. You clear your throat. 

Johnny was dead. This was Rio.

“Your girlfriend and her posse are getting nosey.” You say flatly, crossing your arms over your chest.

He rolled his eyes at the first two words of your sentence, with a failed attempt to hide his smirk.

“You tell ‘em anything?” he asks. The smile now gone.

“Didn’t have to. You stole my… everything for your new life so now they think we” you gesture between your bodies “know each other somehow” you retort angrily, keeping your voice level.

He hums nodding his head as he looks down. He crosses his arms over his chest as his head raises, tilting to the side cockily. Eyes meeting yours, his tongue wets his bottom lip.

“I was here first” he says as he leans against a standing beam in place of a wall from his kitchen and living room.

It’s your turn to be amused. Half laughing your tongue presses against your teeth as you let your laugh turn to strangled amusement.

“That’s how this is gonna be, huh?” you ask, and he watches you, not saying a word, face stern as he clenches his jaw 

“Alright.” You say a mix between anger and defeat. With a nod you turn, walking to the door.

“(Y/N) wait.” He says as he grabs your arm.

Your head drops briefly. The tears welling. ‘No No No’ you repeat to yourself.

“It’s Bonnie” you say looking up to the ceiling as the tears begin their escape.

You stand there for seconds that feel like hours. 

“Bonnie, huh?” he says lightly stepping closer his hand brushing against your arm, gently holding you. You turn around angrily pulling your arm from his grip.

“Rio, huh?” 

He smiles and your vision begins to redden.

“You don’t get to smirk at me and pretend like you didn’t break my heart into pieces and leave me high and dry.” You say voice trembling slightly. 

He remains quiet and you continue, “You died J! You died and I mourned you! I mourned you for ages” you say with exhaustion as your arms outstretch for emphasis. 

He steps forward and you step back holding a hand up.

“You know, I found the man responsible for killing you? Yeah… took care of it too.” You say with a forced smile. Not wanting to completely go off the rails.

“He took my best friend. The man I was in love with, and I killed him” your vision clears as the tears continue their descend down your cheeks.

“There was no hesitation. He took something from me, so I took something from him. You know the best part? He laughed when I asked him why… Why he did it. Why did he take the only person that I’ve ever loved. The man I trusted. He laughed and I shot him.” Your face was hot as your love was declared. Fuck it. 

He knew you needed to let it out, so he remained quiet. Also, so he could process the information you were sharing. 

“The house was barely holding on, you remember that, right? Everyone at each other’s throats” you say with an exhausted laugh before continuing, “Mike and Briggs. Briggs and Charlie… Mike and Paige… Jakes and himself… They all vented to me about it, voiced their concerns about you too. They would always tell me how they appreciated how they could come to me and that they relied on us” you gesture between the two of you “holding on… Little did they know…Hell, little did I know!” you add, the anger fueling your fight.

You shrug “Well… when you died, I couldn’t hold on any longer. I let go too.” The last sentence quietly as you remember how you got the news.

Jakes was the one to tell you. No one else wanted to be the one to see you fall apart. Not after everything else going on. Not after the countless times you tried to be the rock for everyone else. They couldn’t bear it. They couldn’t watch your resolve slip in between your fingers like sand.

Especially considering, you were the last to know.

Jakes was the second person closest to Johnny and he knew you needed to hear it from him. 

You had been trying to call Johnny all day, but it kept going to voicemail. 

“Hey Papi, it’s my turn to get groceries but I was wondering if you’d come with me? We can get lunch, on me! Call me back” you said with a smile before ending the call and walking into the living room.

Seeing Jakes, you “He Jakes, have you seen Johnny? He hasn’t been answering his phone…” looking up from the lit screen in your hands the man in front of you gave you a crushed look. 

“(Y/N) …”

“Jakes stop messing around…” you said trying to force a smile.

“Johnny… (Y/N), Johnny was shot” 

“No? No. It’s his day off” you whisper not willing yourself to believe that. “Where… where is he? What hospital?” you say frantically grabbing your keys you just threw on the coffee table, watching as his eyes welled with tears before he continued. “He didn’t make it”

He rushed forward as your legs gave out, “woah woah” leaving his lips as he held you to his chest while you screamed in agony. 

Heartbreak, turns out, is worse than being shot and you found out the hard way. 

“Do you know about the investigation that went on? The interrogations I went through. Yeah, they thought I was involved somehow because of how close you and I were, what a fucking joke right? Oh, and don’t let me forget your fucking funeral.” You laugh sarcastically as the tears brim your eyes before following the same path down your cheeks, continuously repeating the pattern. “You would’ve hated it. So many people were there. Crying. You got full honors though. I met your mom.” You say desperately trying to keep your legs underneath you. 

Looking down you whisper, “10 years? 10 Fucking years.” Looking up you see that he had wiped his tears across his cheek, leaving a sheen, but that didn’t stop his eyes from welling quickly, tears on the brink of falling. 

The silence surrounding you was suffocating. “I’m sorry” he whispers, and you aren’t sure whether to feel seething anger or remorse for finally hearing those words after the past several months.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?!” you yell, blinking through the tears.

“What you think it was easy leavin’? Leaving my life behind? Leaving you?” He cuts himself off before he continues, his voice lower now. “You think not telling you anything was fuckin easy?” he asks in angered disbelief as he continues “I couldn’t even lie to you. I thought avoiding telling you the truth would be my way around it.”

He lowers his voice more as he says, “you don’t know how much time I spent debating telling you everything.”

His hands go to his buzzed head, rubbing back and forth before rubbing down his face as he continues “wanting to tell you how deep I was. I wanted to tell you that I was thinking about leaving. I wanted to take you with me ma, but you know they would’ve found us” he says wearily before continuing “you said it yourself everyone was barely holding on. They were weak mentally… emotionally. Baby I was trying to protect…” 

“Don’t you dare.” You cut him off. “Don’t give me that bullshit about protecting me. We were partners!” you state with a finger pointing down with emphasis.

“I was scared” he admits looking into your eyes as he wiped his face. Wiping a tear before it could fall down his cheek. “I was in deep. Lucinda knew how I felt about you and when she realized it, she told her brother. It was only a matter of time before they’d figure out how to use you against me if they needed to, so I WAS trying to protect you.”

Keeping your head down you ask “You couldn’t tell me within 10 years? Or fight with me or hurt me so I could hate you before you… left?” 

He watches your face as you continue “You remember when you snuck into my room and you laid with me… Telling me how much you cared about me, how your life was brighter because I was in it. I thought maybe you felt the same way about me that I did you. We fell asleep together. In the morning, you were gone. And then… and then you died.” Wiping your eyes, you look towards the ceiling again feeling another rush of tears coming.

“Why couldn’t you make me hate you? Why couldn’t you have broken my heart that night? Why couldn’t you have said goodbye?” your voice breaking as you lower your head, your eyes meeting as a sob leaves your lips.

He walks towards you, standing closer, testing the water. 

When your eyebrows furrow, he steps forward, his hands squeeze your arms “when have we ever said goodbye, ma?” before he gently moves towards you wrapping his arms around you tight, one arm around your body and the other one holding your head against him.

He hugs you close, causing the pushed down emotions to come at once. Sobbing in his arms as you hit him with as much force as you could muster before giving up and holding onto him as you cried viciously into his chest before finally, giving up, your legs failing you once again. 

He lowered with you to the ground, arms never leaving you as he listened to your pain leaving your body as it shook against him causing his own tears to stream down his face as he looked up to the ceiling. 

“I’m so sorry” he repeats in a whisper as he brings his face into your hair, kissing your head and letting his lips linger. “I’m so fucking sorry.”


End file.
